Alcohol Is The Dressing For Your Salad
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACKFIC. Harry has no idea what to do with Voldemort, so he takes him to a rehab centre ran by a 'reformed' Bishop. What happens? R&R For the Criss-Cross Over Challenge. Many characters involved.


**I don't own anything**

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_~**x**~_

_**i. AmelieMyrnin**_

They're the undeniably close friends that spend every day together, putting up with one another's issues simply because if they didn't, they'd be alone.

And that's something neither of them want.

Silence and loneliness are the things that neither of them like, things that Amelie already had for so many years before she found Myrnin, another lost soul like herself, another person who had nobody in the world.

Dynamic, elaborate and utterly beautiful are three ways to describe Amelie, her appearance the most elegant a woman could be of the time, fiery the only way to describe the way she holds herself. She's outwardly confident, dresses in manners that would be inappropriate if she had the air about her that meant nobody bothered her.

And then there's Myrnin.

He's young – his vampire age, as well as his physical age – and the twinkle in his eyes never seems to disappear, no matter if he's in the laboratory or not. He's _beyond_ handsome, takes the breath of those who catch his eye – in more than just the vampiric manner, as often follows their conversation.

Amelie and Myrnin: young appearing, desirable people who enjoy one another's company, strong willed and controlling of their own lives.

And he's in love with her.

She doesn't realise at first, doesn't see that he's struggling to contain the words that threaten to explode out of him every time he becomes intoxicated – which, whilst it is a lot for a vampire, occurs regularly with Myrnin – because he's strangely fascinated with the woman he lives with. She doesn't see how her simple words of affection to him affect him to the point where he almost becomes _forward_ with her, almost kisses her without her permission. Whilst they may be bold and vivacious, jewels in the dull that is London pre-Renaissance, with Amelie, Myrnin is undoubtedly shier when he is around Amelie, fumbling over words.

It hasn't been an instant thing, falling in love with her, because he didn't realise that he is in love with Amelie until not long ago. She's so _brilliant_, such a bright shining beacon in the sky – yet for everything that he is not. She's strong and fiery, passionate and joyous about everything and never declines an offer – the exact opposite of him, the exact opposite of his almost calculating disposition that extends to everything _but_ science.

Yet she knows nought of this love for her from Myrnin, knows nought of the way that he loves her because she chooses not to see it. She takes the choice of simplicity, of fulfilling her own desires before looking at the needs of her friend.

And he needs her.

.

The years pass and he continues to harbour his feelings for her, continues to want her to realise that she loves him back without him having to say anything. Yet as more and more time elapses, and she remains the elusive amour she has always been, he begins to realise that it will never work.

She will always have his heart, yet she has never realised it…and he doubts she ever will.

_**ii. AmelieOliver**_

She turns him in the mid-sixteen hundreds, keen for some fresh life around; she's embarking in a war with her father and she's always so fearful that she'll lose Myrnin in the struggles, so she has the need for someone else to grow close to.

He's the opposite of Myrnin, being bold no matter what and wild and just a fighter. He's the one who shall rush into battle without hesitating to think of the possible repercussions, the one who thinks of himself as being the most superior warrior - even though he is the youngest by one thousand years. Oliver, the one who opposes what is already there and simply strives for what _he_ wants, damning the consequences when it doesn't work.

They begin as three friends, moving from town to town throughout England as the years progress into a time which is changing from the stringent ways of Oliver Cromwell and his Puritans. She's still the beacon of light, the one who is passionate about all that she believes in, hiding no feelings as she stands up for what she feels is right, and finally she has someone to be her match in strength. Myrnin has always been so much more amiable, she decides, as she looks at Oliver; Myrnin has always been more easily subjected to her will.

Yet this man shall _not_ succumb to what she wants without a fight, will not allow her to have her own way without him trying to fight for the opposite direction – he's obstinate like her, something she relishes.

She's stronger than he could ever imagine, yet he continues to fight back because he knows that somewhere along the line, he will be able to wear her down, to prove to her that he is right. And, somewhere, he finds himself drawn to her wilful manner, her opposition to his ideas and her gloating when his plans fail; he finds her charming and beautiful, two things he has always loved…and, slowly, the friendly side to their relationship disappears.

As the days pass, he realises that he's in love with her more and more – unlike Myrnin, who never realised until the very end. She's alluring to him and it seems that she becomes more so as the days turn into weeks and the weeks into months. He's able to analyse her mood, try and see if there is any change in her feelings towards him because, well, if there is he can make a move.

And then he notices something.

Myrnin is in love with Amelie.

He becomes jealous instantly, realising that there would be more chance of Amelie falling in love with Myrnin because they've known each other for so long and if she happened to fall in love with one of her friends he knows it would be Myrnin. And this is what sparks the hatred between him and Myrnin, the catalyst that makes Oliver hate Myrnin when, merely weeks before, they were as close as Oliver is to Amelie.

Myrnin realises the same thing about Oliver, resulting in a mutual animosity between the pair of them as they vie for the affection of Amelie, fighting against one another.

Once again, she's gained herself a love here without realising it, being drawn to Oliver simply because he is a good sparring partner, not because she has any feelings for him. As with Myrnin, she is friends with him…and so, once again, she gains another unknown lover…

…and another heart.

.

It hurts him so bad that she doesn't love him back, that his love is unrequited, that it somehow turns to hate. He _hates _the way that everything he feels is just ignored, unrecognised, pointless, simply because she doesn't see it. And he doubts she ever will.

The pain makes him begin to imagine a life without Amelie, a life where he - and he alone - is in charge of his own fate, a life where he isn't reminded daily about how futile his feelings sre because she doesn't love him back. It's true: she doesn't love him in a romantic manner - like Myrnin, she has lived with him for a long enough time that she cannot imagine life being with him. It would be wrong.

The emotions in Oliver build up higher and higher, becoming more and more irrational as the weeks pass, until it reaches a ceiling. It reaches a point where he can't think of anything but destruction, anything but getting as much from Amelie as he can before leaving – after all, she's controlled his life for so long and she hasn't cared.

He wants to destroy her, then leave and never look back.

The love dissipates into rage and he can't even remember _why_ he loves her because it's just so _hard_ to live life without her realising how much of an effect she has on him.

So he tries to kill her.

Yet, even as he does this, his heart never leaves her…no, she has it forever and that will never change.

_**iii. AmelieSam**_

Morganville has been formed for almost one hundred years now and she's never met anyone quite like Samuel Glass; she's never met anyone quite like Samuel Glass in her entire life, which counts for something given how long she has lived.

Life hasn't particularly changed, she thinks; it is the same monotonous motion she goes through every day…yet _she_ has changed. Since the conception of Morganville, she's changed to become much more of an ideal ruler, rather than her own true person. She's cold and detached, her beauty hidden away beneath the clothes she continues to wear even though they are "out of date" for the current era.

They first meet when she's giving him Protection, yet he doesn't really _look_ at her…and, strangely, she feels an almost sting of jealousy. Every man in her past has always shown her some interest – every human she has ever seen has been intrigued by her – yet he cares only for his wife.

And then things change.

She goes to him after the death of his wife, to offer her condolences, no matter how fake they may be. Somehow, she's persuaded to stay…and yet it doesn't seem as if she's forced to stay because she _wants_ to. She's intrigued by the mysteries locked beneath the surface of the man named Samuel Glass; she's intrigued by why he appears to have such an effect on her; she's simply intrigued by _him_.

And, for the first time, she's falling for someone as well.

He begins to crave her time more and more, wish away the entire day until she arrives at nightfall just because then he has a chance to experience a tad of normality in his life. _She's_ the person who he wants to talk to, to spend time with alongside his son; he doesn't want to talk to anyone but Amelie. Nobody but her understands what he's been through; nobody but her can comprehend the gravity of the situation.

He neither knows that he is falling in love with her nor that he doesn't – it's an intermittent period where he is subconsciously aware when she's not around, yet he doesn't actively realise that he loves her.

Until there comes a point where it physically hurts for her to part from him, a point where he's in love with her so much stronger and deeper than with Melissa because it's built up over such a period of time…but there's the issue that he's a human and she's a vampire and it can _never_ work.

He can read beneath her, see that the cover she puts on for the rest of the world is that – a cover. He can tell that she's not the perfect, flawless, distant woman she tries to make out she is, simply because she wouldn't still see him if she were. No, he can read beneath her, be able to analyse her emotions and actions to the point where he's confident he has at least an _idea_ of the real Amelie. He thinks she's fiery and passionate, always fighting for what she believes in; he thinks that she knows she's beautiful and always wants to utilise it to her advantage. He thinks she's neither a fighter nor a fleer, simply an analyser of the situation and does what will work out the best for her.

But, above all, he finally thinks she has the ability to love.

By the time that he realises his love for her, however, he realises that it's too late, that there would be absolutely no way of him leaving her behind because she's everything he needs.

And, for the third time, Amelie's gained a heart from someone in love with her…but, this time, it's more than love and there's absolutely no way she could _ever_ lose control of this heart.

Not that she knows this.

.

He's the first person she can consciously recognise that she has loved in a romantic capacity; she's had relationships before, naturally, yet this is the first one that she can tell that she has fallen in love during the period. He's charming, witty and, above all, he has the personality that she doesn't know how she could have avoided falling for.

There are so many problems within a relationship that continues to not even formally exist, problems that she doubts she shall be able to sort into a solution that pleases her. There are so many dangers within the world of Morganville, the attempt at a Utopia that appears to be failing more and more as the days pass – certainly for her, given that falling for a human was most certainly never part of her plans.

And then she realises that it has to end.

For the first time in her existence, she's realised that someone is in love with her, that she has to break his heart to ensure that he's kept safe. And she has to break her own in the process, ensuring that his safety in an unstable town is the only thing that happens.

So she breaks their hearts, leaves him after selfishly turning him into one of her own kind, and makes herself stay away from him. she thinks that she's entirely disengaged herself from him, that she never needs to go near him again because that will keep him safe.

That's a little hard to do when he has your heart and he's never letting go.

_**iv. AmelieMichael**_

Sam's gone, gone and left her, left her in the world alone with nobody to turn to.

Until she finds Michael.

It seems a little of a cliché that she finds herself drawn to Michael for company and support following the demise of his Grandfather, especially due to their near mirror image, yet he's the only person who understands what she is going through because he is as well.

She can't talk to Oliver or Myrnin about the loss of Sam because she doesn't think that they've ever been in love.

(They have).

But she pushes them away as far as she can, sitting by the grave of Sam for as long as she can, ignoring the pain of the rays of the sun for an entire day, tears simply streaming down her cheeks. She deserves to suffer, she thinks.

And then Michael appears.

She doesn't know when or how, yet when she finally looks to her left, she sees Michael. And she does every night thereafter.

.

He grieves for his Grandfather, yet he soon begins to regret his life as well – and he doesn't know why at first. Originally, he thought that it was because he was so angry that Sam had left him…then he begins to realise that, as he talks to Amelie, that he wants to talk to her more. It soon becomes a nightly occurrence, something that becomes what gets him through his increasingly hard days.

Then he's single with an unexplained longing in his heart that intensifies when he's at the graveyard, so he puts it down to missing Sam. Yet, deep down, he becomes aware relatively quickly that he's in love with Amelie because, well, she makes him feel as though there is a purpose to life after losing everything he has ever had. And, through their shared grief, they have an undeniable connection because they're the only ones who truly know what it feels like to lose Sam Glass.

And so, slowly but surely, he begins to realise that he's in love with Amelie. And, like the others, he's not the first one to be in love with the Ice Queen, the woman who has become a model of what she thinks perfect is, even though the others realised or knew the entirely different person beneath the mantra.

He's more aware of his feelings than perhaps any of the others, can almost feel the control over his heart sliding away from him until the point where it feels as if it is no longer attached to him. At that point, it's out of his grasp forevermore – a feeling he never got with Eve.

It's no longer with him because, once again, Amelie has gained a heart without her knowledge, another to add to the collection of hearts she's managed to collect over the years without ever realising.

.

The weeks pass and Michael begins to see that she's grieving even more than he could possibly imagined she would, being unable to move on.

And then he realises something.

That she's never going to move on with him.

So he's just wasting his time.

_**v. AmelieSam**_

Because no matter how many hearts she's given, she'll discard them all. Because no matter how many people fall in love with _her_, she can never fall in love again, not after Sam.

She's gained so many hearts over the years, from all walks of life, yet she has only given her heart to one person – and with that one person it shall remain eternally. Sam Glass may be dead, yet he lives on in her, through their unmistakable bond, and by her donation of part of her to him, he can never truly die.

Of her entire life, she can only remember one moment when she can truthfully say she has been one hundred percent happy. That moment was the day that she realised that she loved Sam Glass with all her heart; that moment was when she felt herself binding with him forever, without a doubt.

That day was the day she turned him into one of her people to be with him forever.

She can't remember a day when she has been happier, simply because being able to hold him in her arms and show the world, for that one time, that she loved him was enough.

And that's where Amelie's heart lies…and that's the only place it shall ever lie.

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**So don't read/fav without reviewing, thanks. :)**

**Vicky xx**


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